My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
