Well douche your snatch and let's go!
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
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What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
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I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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