I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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