i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
