Where is the hickey?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
My vagina is officially offended.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
