My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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