Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
