Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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