Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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