i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
