Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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