Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
