I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
