You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My vagina just recognized that song.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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