I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
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just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
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Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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