Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
