Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
is wine microwaveable?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
