Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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