he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I did not marry a roomba.
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