i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Randomize
