I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
