I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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