I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
