Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize