I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
