I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
