Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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