I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
