If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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