I faked an abortion last night.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
