Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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