insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
