hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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