So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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