the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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