I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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