you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
