I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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