He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
