I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
