My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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