you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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