make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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