He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
