I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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