I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize
