So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
