There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
