How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
