It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
