my phone needs a breathalizer
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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