My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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