I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
