I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
