he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
