If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Randomize
