My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
