he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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