Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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