You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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