Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
