hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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