When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
